About 22

I am about to be 22. Next May 23^rd is my birthday and my parents wanted to invite the choir to have breakfast with us. I will have to pretend I did not know it, it is OK, because I am a good actor. Ha. All this of birthday, ending and starting cycles, periods, et cetera: suddenly I am involved with many ideas and feelings… I am in the middle of a storm.

I only wanted a hug. When I left the seminary, my illusions were ready to be, I supposed, true, real. However, I came to find a strange, surreal, disappointing reality. All the dreams I had were frustrated, collapsed. I did not know what to do then, because I could not come back to Piarists, they were good with me and I had betrayed them awfully. I had to stay here because I had already started a new career and I could not stop something again.

I do not know why all these thoughts come to me tonight, maybe it is because I have been thinking on all the seminary stuff, and my heart is willing to be kind of homesick.

I feel bad tonight. My world should have a concrete and special reason to exist, but I have been seeking it and, unfortunately, I have found myself empty. I also cannot find a person by my side. I came here because a person, I do not have it now. I saw a person again, and I thought that life may give us a second chance, last night, I understood it will not.

Yesterday, I did not want to hear a thing of what a nun was saying. But He was there too, and He has a special way to make you understand his message. My fight with God is for Akbar, he has to recognize it, and I know he is already doing it. I mean, my school is going great, I have no problems with my parents and family, I have some new friends and my relation with old ones is also good. Despite of that, I need something else: a hug…

I would like to love and be loved, to rest in a woman’s legs and feel her warm breath in my face. I have no hope; I am hopeless now because I think that this could be impossible. I have spent all my time in school, and now I realize I have renounced to have a girl. Besides, I have been alone the most of my lifetime, so I should not complain.

What is the difference between DF and here? I have walked alone from the church until my home after a group practice, so I did there. I had a goal and my life plan there, however I do not have it here, at least not so clear. I am in the beginning of a crisis and I am afraid of that. I have lost my way, or I have it blurred. My life in DF was not very happy and here I may smile more: that is something good, I think.

It is raining now and I have to go to bed. Tomorrow I will not publish because I have done it twice today. I am feeling bad, so serious… I need to sleep and try to forget everything. God!